Due to the currant financial situation in the United Kingdom,  created by the long recession since 2008,  her Majesty’s government has decided to implement a scheme to place workers of 50 years of age or older, into early retirement, thus cutting down on current unemployment levels and creating work for younger members of society who are now unemployed.

The name of the new program is called the Retire Aged People Early program, or R.A.P.E. for short.

People who have been selected for the R.A.P.E. program may apply to the Government to be considered for second phase assistance through the Special Help After Forced Termination program or S.H.A.F.T.

Those people fortunate enough to have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under a subsequent program called the

System Covering Retired Early Workers called S.C.R.E.W. for short.

A younger “senior” may only be R.A.P.E.d,  once, S.H.A.F.T.ed twice, and S.C.R.E.W.ed. just as often as the government deems appropriate.

Those persons who have been R.A.P.E.D. could have received

Additional Income for Dependants and Spouse; A.I.D.S. for short or, they could also have been given H.E.R.P.E.S., sometimes called the Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance.

Her Majesty’s Government wishes to advise all recipients under this program, that they may not be SCREWED or SHAFTED any further, however the good news is that persons who are not RAPED and who are staying on program, will qualify for the Special High Intensity Training program, sometimes called S.H.I.T.

Her Majesty’s Government has always prided itself on the amount of S.H.I.T. that it has given its citizens!

Should any citizens on the program feel that they are not getting enough S.H.I.T., please contact your local member of parliament who has been well trained to give you all the S.H.I.T. you can handle !!

Yours Sincerely


The committee for the Economic Value of Individual Lives.

p.s. Due to recent budget cuts and the rising costs of electricity, gas and oil, as well as the current economic climate where we all have to tighten our belts, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has had to be turned OFF.

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